this world is bent on forcing us to do what we don’t want to do. the source of this compulsion is pressures from different forces within society, such as family, school, work, government, friendship, politics, etc. these forces pressure us to do what is “right”, “moral”, and/or what might please them for whatever reason we can come up with. i am a victim of this, constantly battling between what i want, what makes me happy, and what would make others around me happy. Another conflict is between what I believe would make my God happy versus the God of others — the God of compulsion, restriction, and authoritarianism; the God of Limits and Regulations.
All this boiling inside me stems from an even greater, global conflict between two forces — the force of freedom; that is, the freedom of individuals to live the life they’ve imagined for themselves; and second, the force of conformity; to live the life imagined by others.
I want to live the life I’ve imagined though, but I am scared to displease God and I am scared to displease those around me. I am afraid of being or committing evil — because that is not what I desire. My desires are what I desire — that part of man that is an enigma — our want, of whatever comes our way, be it the creation of a new song, the experience of a new woman, a trip to New York for a weekend, a show performance in Los Angeles. I want all that. In this world we are told that we need money to get all that — and yes, it’s true — you cannot do any of those things without paying for them; but I can’t worship and chase money. I want happiness. I want to feel that I am doing the things I love, earning recognition and prestige, without having to relegate myself — any longer — to the harsh conditions of miserable labor, whether its retail sales associate this or administrative assistant that. I want more out of life, to display myself to the world, my talents, both for the applause and the money, and for the mere feeling of self-fulfillment, that — I did something! — feeling. Accomplishment…destiny…you know?
Classic Music. Art. Odes. kING cRIMSON. BEauty. The Past.
It is without a doubt that life is a struggle. I watched this Bob Marley documentary once and while I didn’t finish it entirely, a quote from the film stuck with me. I am not sure who the man was who was speaking, could have been one of Marley’s relatives or closer friends. He was explaining Marley’s upbringing and the trials he faced as he grew into a man.
“It’s the type of struggle that’ll make a kid go good or bad.”
It was months later when the quote resurfaced in my mind and hit me. It was one of those days when I found myself down and depressed, allowing the ego in my mind to rip away at my soul, to convince me of all the things I don’t believe in and don’t want to believe in.
This life is a struggle. It is a struggle to reach closure, to find happiness and peace, and to do so yourself. I believe in God, and although I am not exactly sure of the nature of our connection, I do know that in this life we are protected — those of us who are ambitious enough to seek the truth, to fight against evil, and to stand for justice.
The struggle is the test, the test to see whether we are more concerned with anger, frustration and bitterness or with success, joy and ambition.
I am struggling, but my eye is on the latter.
what does the future hold? I’m callin out my heart’s bleeding.