Searching for the inner me. Almost there. Praying,


Searching for the inner me. Almost there. Praying, at least, that I am almost there. I can smell it, in the air. Really.


An ignored injustice will breed a misunderstood injustice.


this world is bent on forcing us to do what we don’t want to do. the source of this compulsion is ¬†pressures from different forces within society, such as family, school, work, government, friendship, politics, etc. these forces pressure us to do what is “right”, “moral”, and/or what might please them for whatever reason we can come up with. i am a victim of this, constantly battling between what i want, what makes me happy, and what would make others around me happy. Another conflict is between what I believe would make my God happy versus the God of others — the God of compulsion, restriction, and authoritarianism; the God of Limits and Regulations.¬†

All this boiling inside me stems from an even greater, global conflict between two forces — the force of freedom; that is, the freedom of individuals to live the life they’ve imagined for themselves; and second, the force of conformity; to live the life imagined by others.¬†

I want to live the life I’ve imagined though, but I am scared to displease God and I am scared to displease those around me. I am afraid of being or committing evil — because that is not what I desire. My desires are what I desire — that part of man that is an enigma — our want, of whatever comes our way, be it the creation of a new song, the experience of a new woman, a trip to New York for a weekend, a show performance in Los Angeles. I want all that. In this world we are told that we need money to get all that — and yes, it’s true — you cannot do any of those things without paying for them; but I can’t worship and chase money. I want happiness. I want to feel that I am doing the things I love, earning recognition and prestige, without having to relegate myself — any longer — to the harsh conditions of miserable labor, whether its retail sales associate this or administrative assistant that. I want more out of life, to display myself to the world, my talents, both for the applause and the money, and for the mere feeling of self-fulfillment, that — I did something! — feeling. Accomplishment…destiny…you know?