It really sucks when you and your friends are not on the same time schedule. Before it was different because my friends were also my music partners. When that whole thing fell apart I felt like my entire worldview was shaken because I no longer had a route. The route I was on was destroyed, by my own stubbornness and the difficulty of partnership. Now I am left trying to set up friendships with others with whom I have either nothing in common or simply — and perhaps harshly — no interest in being around. I have such an odd personality, and odd system of functioning that it makes it that much more difficult for me to find a way to be happy without constantly feeling like I am missing something. I miss being around people, around friends, but I’ve become so disconnected from everybody. The only people with whom I share a true and deep friendship with are a select three people. As of now we are all in different directions, struggling to make something of ourselves, and at the same time, struggling to trust one another because each person has his own paranoias. Each person is at any moment — I feel at least — to abandon the other in the case that he finds “greater happiness” elsewhere. Being broke doesn’t help either. What happened to my friendships? Did my trust issues push me away from my family, from my brothers? My fear of being undermined has plagued me. It has caused me to treat others differently. I don’t know. I’ve lost my friends. I thought I had direction but I don’t. My frustration with religion and faith is increasing as it has given me nothing but instant gratification. I cannot deal with such a system anymore. It is also a form of slavery. I am truly frustrated on the inside. I just pray for complete relief. I cannot handle half-assed relief. It causes me pain.

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